why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
