just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
