We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
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This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize