what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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