she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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