Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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