Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
