Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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