My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
