Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
