I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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