Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
