How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
