I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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