what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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