Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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