I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
