Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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