last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
ok first of all what the fuck
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
