nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
