That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
