I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize