SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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