Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
