i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
