I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
