She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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