To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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