I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
