I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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