I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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