I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
