The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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