if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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