I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My vagina is very pro this idea
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
