I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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