that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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