I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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