I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
