how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
