so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
