Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well I just put wine in my tea
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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