Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
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Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.