She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
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I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?