if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.