Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
