we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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