Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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