Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
