just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
