shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
