I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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