Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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