first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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