Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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