I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
