Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
