i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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