The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
