just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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