why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
