I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
