Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
